Breaking the Boy Code: Redefining Masculinity with NextGenMen

"Boys don’t cry."
"Man up."
"Don’t be soft."
"Violence is just part of growing up."

These aren’t just playground taunts — they’re messages deeply woven into the fabric of how boys are taught to exist in the world. For generations, masculinity has been defined by stoicism, dominance, and emotional suppression. And the consequences? Disconnection. Depression. Violence. Isolation. A crisis in identity that hurts not only boys themselves but everyone around them.

At School of Hard Knocks (SOHK), we’re challenging that narrative.

Through our NxtGenMen programme, we’re helping adolescent boys and young men rewrite the rules of manhood — to build emotional intelligence, reduce gender-based violence, and create a generation that isn’t afraid to lead with strength and sensitivity.

This blog explores how we got here, what’s at stake, and how we can start breaking the boy code — together.

The Masculinity Myth: Where It All Begins

From a young age, boys are fed a very narrow script:

  • Show no vulnerability.

  • Use anger instead of words.

  • Win at all costs.

  • Seek dominance, not connection.

  • Reject anything seen as “feminine.”

This is the "boy code" — an unspoken, rigid set of rules that boys are pressured to follow or risk ridicule and rejection.

In many South African communities, where systemic violence, poverty, and intergenerational trauma are already present, this code becomes even more dangerous. When emotional expression is policed, and power is measured through control or aggression, we get:

  • Higher rates of interpersonal violence

  • Deep struggles with mental health and suicide

  • Increased gender-based violence

  • Boys who grow into men who don’t know how to ask for help, say “I’m hurting,” or love without fear

It’s not a crisis of masculinity. It’s a crisis of limited masculinity — and we need a new story.

What Is Healthy Masculinity?

At SOHK, we define healthy masculinity as the ability for boys and men to be:

  • Emotionally aware

  • Accountable for their actions

  • Non-violent and respectful in relationships

  • Able to express vulnerability without shame

  • Confident without dominating others

It’s not about rejecting masculinity — it’s about expanding it. It’s about saying:

“You can be strong and soft.”
“You can cry and still be courageous.”
“You can lead without needing to control.”
“You are still a man if you ask for help.”

Inside NxtGenMen: How We’re Changing the Narrative

Our NxtGenMen programme is a 6-session intervention aimed at reducing violence perpetrated by men, especially violence against women. We work with adolescent boys in under-resourced schools, delivering weekly sessions that blend:

  • Group dialogue on emotions, identity, and relationships

  • Mindfulness and emotional regulation practices

  • Role play and scenario-based learning

  • Accountability and empathy training

  • Physical movement and team-building activities

We ask tough questions:

  • What does it mean to “be a man”?

  • Where did you learn that?

  • Has it helped or hurt you?

  • How do we treat people we care about when we’re angry?

  • What are better ways to respond?

And the results? Boys start to talk. They soften. They think before they act. They realize their emotions aren’t a threat — they’re a compass.

What’s Holding Boys Back?

Even with powerful interventions, boys still face major roadblocks:

  • Peer pressure to stay “tough”

  • Lack of safe male role models

  • Teachers or caregivers who dismiss emotional expression as weakness

  • Fear of being seen as “less than” if they don’t conform

  • Past trauma that hasn’t been acknowledged or healed

That’s why programmes like NxtGenMen are so vital. They don’t just teach skills — they create safe spaces for boys to experiment with a new way of being.

What Can Schools and Adults Do to Help?

Whether you’re a teacher, parent, coach, or caregiver, you play a role in how boys view masculinity. Here are five things you can start doing today:

1. Validate Their Emotions

Instead of “stop crying” or “you’re overreacting,” try:
🗣️ “It makes sense you’d feel that way.”
🗣️ “That sounds really hard — I’m here for you.”

2. Model Healthy Masculinity

Let boys see men who cry, apologize, cook, care, and connect. Representation matters — and boys need to witness men who live outside the old script.

3. Interrupt Harmful Language

Don’t let “man up,” “don’t be gay,” or “you throw like a girl” slide. These comments reinforce shame and violence. Challenge them calmly and consistently.

4. Create Safe Expression Spaces

Circle time, journaling, art, mentorship — give boys outlets for reflection that aren’t always verbal. Not every boy will “talk it out” — and that’s okay.

5. Teach Consent and Accountability Early

Teach boys that “no means no” — not just in sex, but in everyday relationships. Teach them that accountability is strength — not shame.

Real Stories, Real Change

We’ve seen a Grade 9 learner go from being suspended for fighting to becoming a peer mentor, guiding younger boys through anger management.

We’ve seen groups of boys start holding each other accountable — calling out misogynistic jokes or stepping in when someone’s being bullied.

We’ve seen tears in rooms where tears were never allowed before.

This is what happens when boys feel safe enough to be their whole selves.

Final Thoughts: A New Kind of Strength

We don’t want to raise softer boys. We want to raise stronger boys — boys who are strong enough to feel, to lead with heart, to protect without harming, and to love without fear.

The next generation of men is watching us. And we get to decide what kind of world they inherit — and what kind of men they’ll become.

At SOHK, we’re building that future one boy, one breath, one breakthrough at a time.

Want to support this work?
You can sponsor a NxtGenMen cohort, bring the programme to your school, or donate to help us train more facilitators.
Visit www.schoolofhardknocks.co.za or follow us on Instagram @sohk_sa

Meesh Carra